316 Expressions

So you’ve decided to visit your nation’s capital. Here are a few things you should know that will hopefully help you prepare for your trip.

The DC road grid was laid out by a Frenchman, which explains why locals hate the French and also explains much about US Foreign Policy. Within DC proper, the roads are laid out in a grid, with other streets crossing the grid at weird angles, usually through a traffic circle. No one in DC knows how to drive in a traffic circle, and people from the suburbs are worse. Many streets are one-way, and making a left turn can require traveling three or four blocks out of your way. Right turns are worse. Right turn on red is allowed, except at intersections that are posted otherwise. Most intersections are posted otherwise.

Also, within DC, we take security seriously, primarily by shutting down major roads and intersections for no discernible reason.

If your Montgomery County road map is over a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one; it needs to be updated. If you are in Loudoun or Fairfax County in Virginia, and your map is one day old, it still needs to be updated.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in DC; it’s just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.

All directions start with “The Beltway,” which has no beginning and no end—just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an “inner loop” and “outer loop” designation. The inner loop goes clockwise, the outer counterclockwise. This makes no sense to anyone outside the Metro Area.

The Metro Area stretches north to south from Southern Pennsylvania to Frederick, Virginia, and east to west from the Chesapeake Bay to the Shenandoah River. It also extends to parts of West Virginia and maybe the Delmarva (Delaware, Maryland, Virginia peninsula).

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. Ironically, it’s called an “Interstate” as it runs only from Bethesda to Frederick (unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the ’60s, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a “Spur” section, which is even more confusing.

Any mild disturbance in traffic flow backs up the Beltway for miles in either direction. Something catastrophic, such as a semi-truck jackknifing on the Legion Bridge, can shut down traffic for 10 miles in each direction and on all the side roads in 15 minutes. You may have to detour through Leesburg, Point of Rocks, and Frederick to get where you are going. Or you can go via Norfolk and the Bay Bridge/Tunnel. Not to be confused with the Bay Bridge.

To avoid these disturbances, people listen to WTOP, 1500 AM, and 107.7 FM, for the traffic report, which runs every 10 minutes. 24 hours/day. Even if they can’t avoid the disturbance, they listen to find out what the disturbance is, and in the hope that the person who caused it died screaming in agony.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 75. Anything less is a hazard to navigation.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM, the evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM, and the lunch rush is from 11 AM to 1 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro, or Fort Washington; they’ll blow a blood vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.

If you run the red light, smile for the $100 “picture” you will receive courtesy of DMV. However, if you don’t go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none English. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at.

Rain causes an immediate 50-point drop in drivers’ IQ. Snow causes an immediate 100-point drop in IQ and a rush to the local supermarket for toilet paper, bread, and milk. If it snows, schools will be closed. If it is already snowing, the bus will pick up the children, and they will immediately CLOSE the schools after 8 inches of snow has fallen. All parents must leave work upon arrival to pick up their children.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re near Takoma Park.”

If someone has their turn signal on, they are, by definition, a tourist.

All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way near or in Leisure World.

Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don’t ask why; no one knows or cares.

If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton, or Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak Spanish. In Annandale and Seven Corners, a Cambodian, Korean, or Vietnamese dialect will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capitol Hill, or U Street, a gay dialect helps. If you stop to ask for directions in the southeast, don’t.

A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50, and a taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75 (it’s a zone thing; you wouldn’t understand).

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. Nothing is more frightening than seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 75 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER. It’s not speeding; it’s NASCAR time – let’s DRAFT!!!

The far right lane is the open lane for passing on all interstates because no self-respecting local would ever be caught driving in the “slow” lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are also fair game.

The far left lanes on all interstates are official “chat” lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All minivans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multitasking in—it’s not a minivan; it’s a bullet on wheels with a TV.

If it’s 30 degrees, it’s Orioles’ opening day. If it’s 100 degrees, it’s the ‘Skins opening day. If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it’s May, June, July, August, and sometimes September.

NEVER ask a native Washingtonian for directions. We need to find street names and will tell you to turn left where Woodies (Woodward and Lothrop) used to be. If the landmark in question stood last week, it may not be there now.

NEVER, EVER leave town the Thursday or Friday of a three-day weekend. Leave on Wednesday and take Tuesday off to come back; otherwise, you’ll arrive at the same time when you left a day early to beat the traffic.

Avoid I-66 at any time. Listen to the traffic report ONCE; it is the same every day. The sun is in your face in the morning, and for your return trip, it’s blinding you again in the afternoon.

Avoid Route 7 (Leesburg Pike or any other name it changes to) at all times. It’s the same story as above, except you have no breaks because on this road, there are people who commute from West Virginia.

Of course, you could take the subway, known locally as The Metro. Remember that either the Orange or Red line will be shut down or single-tracked due to an accident unless both are shut down or single-tracked.

This is most likely to happen during rush hour. The escalators rarely work, and the elevators even less often. However, the trains are very clean, kept that way by highly motivated police who will not hesitate to arrest a 12-year-old for eating a French fry.

Have fun in DC!